im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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