i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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