I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
