I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
