i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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