Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
