well I can't set my house on fire every night
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
