Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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