at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
