she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
whose parrot is this?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
