can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
