Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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