So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
