Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
