in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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