I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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