You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
