And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
