C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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