I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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