When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
