We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
