just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize