The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
