Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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