Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
