I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
