I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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