Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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