My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
