just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
