Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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