false alarm. still invincible.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Mom said you looked used
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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