sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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