mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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