Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize