Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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