I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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