he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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