I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
