you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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