return my video game
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
