very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
