i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
