the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
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