I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
