Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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