I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
