I think im going to throw up on grandma
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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