I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
