can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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