Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
