Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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