i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
