i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The power of my boobs compel you
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
