I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
