I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
