Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
